The small web is a thrilling concept, and I am glad to be here. If you haven't made yourself a site go get started now.
I will be using this space to connect with people, and to scream into the void. If you are here you should probably be doing something else lmao.
I made a bed today, or rather I assembled a bed I made a week ago. I learned a lot, even if it turned out a little goofy. Definitley some thing I would do differently next time. If you're ever making a bed frame measure the actual matress instead of getting the measurements online.
I am exhausted, and I don't know when it'll get better. My brain feels foggy, and everything feels hard. When I rest I don't feel any better, there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, but at the moment I cannot see it.
Growing up I had a fear of trying, a fear of being out of breath. Eventually I had to do things that required all of me, to spend all that I had, and my peers praised me, viewed me as whole. Not for succeeding, but for being as committed as they were. I was changed that day, but I find myself scared again. To be able to commit all of myself when those next to me cannot or will not. I don't know how to convey that something has earned all of my energy and attention, and it's okay that the people around me don't care, that all I ask is to wheeze and die without judgment, to make art without fear. To dance in a crowd and alone. Being singularly vulnerable is terrifying.
Things aren't going great. I feel like I have been zapped of all my energy. It feels like too much effort to even kill myself.
I am still alive, I do not know what has lead to my depression, but it is here now. It is heavy and damp.